My hopes of making my effort succeed doesn't seem to flow my way. The IUI didn't werk. Its really heartbreaking..esp when I think of how to put it to Hun abt this. Its not easy, I shld say. I cried dat nite coz I was expecting so much; I guess. So, so much. Only someone who have gone thru this will understand how I really feel. Depressed. Dissapointed. Denial. Mixed feelings. Basically, my emotions are in turmoil. Despite all that, I am still keeping my faith. That, I am very sure. But I just can't help it. I have tried this far...endured all the discomforts each procedure that I went thru. People often say God only test what you can only take. Sumtyms I wonder..haven't I been tested enuf? What's next? Another dissappointment? I know I shouldn't be saying this but I am just a normal human being who has emotions to ventilate to this blog. I am reaching the point of giving up.Serious. Its a hell of a roller coaster ride which left me puking at the end of it. I never like roller coaster rides. But this is the life I chose and destined. Redha. One word that means so much and yet so hard to do. Its really testing my faith in Allah. I have not lost it one bit, though. But I faced the disspointed face in Hun when I broke him the news. He was hostile for a few days. How do you think I would feel? That's the last thing I expect my loved one to react. Where is the mental strength that he portrayed initially? Where is the moral support that I need from a spouse? I know he hopes for it so much. Ain't me too? I have feelings. Probably I am sensitive..but hell...I am facing a sensitive issue right here, isn't it? This whole experience has robbed me part the faith initially... but I vouched to make a comeback. The incident still really hurts me so much. He is definitely not the usual self; I must say. I guess it takes tym for him to understand. I have been in low spirits of late. All this probably gets me down. I can't force it on him if he doesn't want to. He has his rights. Its really ok. I am the one having the problem right here. I am the one having the blocked right fallopian tube. I am the one who did not succeed in the IUI. He has all the good stuff. There was nuthing nwrong with him at all. Thus he has every reason to be dissappointed. I would be too if I were in his place. Not his fault.

I am giving myself a few months to really think abt my next step in baby-making. Watever that has happened; I am gonna put it behind me and look forward. Definitely my future efforts are gonna be a bit aggressive in the next few months. Patience. Insya Allah it will pay off.

One consolation reason to be happy was Singapore's crowning as the kings of ASEAN football. That left me delirious when Amri scored. He is really a super sub lah. Nevertheless, Congrats to them for the hard work they've put in.

I shall rant about a good fren of mine. I am very upset with her selfish reaction. Alhamdulillah I stick to my principles. Wat she asked me to do was very unethical and unprofessional on her part. She doesn't even spare a tot about how it is on my part. Suke2 dia nak mintak barang...lepas tu very demanding pulak tu. Dia ingat aku ni hamba abdi dia gaknya. Thanks to Angela and Mary Rose for supporting my right decision. Another person to thank is Laila for giving me those advices that is very useful. Her incredible suggestion was indeeed appreciated. I followed her method.

My SMS to her:

*****, I am feeling uncomfortable providing you those documents. Its not that I dun want to help you but sis is on her toes when there was a case regarding releasing hospital's docs to other organisations. a staff was enquired when they found out. I worry that if I do so,it might affect my job. It's a heavy risk I am taking. I hope you understand my situation. As much as I wanna help, my hands are tied, darling. n I treasure dis friendship dats why I am being frank wif u.

HER reply to me:

Then it is alright!

---Short and sweet reply from a dear fren whom I called a colleague and best fren thruout these years----